It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
