FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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