Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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