no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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