Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
The air taste purple.
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