On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Randomize