Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
