The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
