She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
