So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
