ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
