I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize
