we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
