i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
