He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
