so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
