So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
