i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
