So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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