i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
