Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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