nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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