Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize