census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
