What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
