dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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