My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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