Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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