Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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