Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
