Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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