Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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