how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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