Tell her she can't have a vagina
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Your cock deserves a montage
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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