mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
