He asked to "fluff my boner.."
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
