Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I still have a little drunk in my system
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
