i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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