I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
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