there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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