This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
