It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
