So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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