I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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