Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
