This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
