onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
