I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
