I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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