Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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