omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
