It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
