I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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