just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Come share oat with me in your robe
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
