call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
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