just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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