The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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