a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
