I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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