I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize